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Swingers Tips and Advice for getting started
There are two primary stages in
In the first, the curiosity
stage, the couple learns how to behave and swing with others. While many females
are rather reluctant to get involved in swinging, once they do, they accept
initial experiences more successfully than males. Women are generally either
enthusiastic converts or completely turned off by the experience. Generally,
swingers are relatively no selective when they first become involved. Following
the curiosity stage, there is relative selectivity, characterized by increasing
individuation of self and others.
In the individuation process of the second stage, a woman becomes
selective because she no longer needs to prove she is desired or can satisfy
to make the experience meaningful, she arrives at a point
where she feels that she must refuse the advances of many men. She learns to
define her preferences more clearly and to learn to act on these preferences.
This is an experience that many women never have because they rely on their
husbands to make decisions in social situations. In short a woman learns to
individuate both herself and others in the second stage of swinging.
Men, similarly, learn from
a swinger realizes that his physical responses may very well
be due to elements that inhere to the individual relationship rather than to
innate sexual inadequacy, he has arrived at a very different conception of
sexual relationships. He is better able to see women as human beings to whom
he may be attracted and as personalities rather than as objects to be
exploited for their sexual potential. In our terms, he can now more
successfully individuate relationships with women.
Swinging ordinarily does not result in
jealousy or marital break-ups, it may succeed in solidifying marriages by re
romanticizing them and thereby making them tolerable and perhaps even
One reason for marital happiness among swingers:
is an activity both spouses do together -- a unique pattern compared with other
types of extramarital sex. Most people who continue to participate in swinging
believe that such co marital sex embellishes and enriches marriages in all areas,
especially in the erotic sector. While most swingers report that it makes a good
marriage better, swinging evidently cannot very often save a poor marriage. Some
swingers feel that a weak marriage probably will not survive swinging and that
perhaps in such cases couples shouldn't swing. A very strong marriage will
survive swinging -- but it a marriage is strong, why the need to swing? Hey, why not!
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You get to wondering year after year a little bit more about if you
could possibly make it with another gal: what would it be like; you want a
little bit of variety; you don't love your partner any less but you want
something a little bit deterrent. Just the newness of it, the experience with
another person is very electrifying. It charges you up. It gives you something
that you just can't get from someone that you know very, very well even though
you may love them dearly. You just can't it under those circumstances. With
swinging you have the opportunity to meet other people. You go with someone
and have a sexual experience with someone else and no one thinks the less of
you for it.
Some think "Oh, horror, that's supposed to be terrible".
Well it isn't terrible and if you're free enough to allow your partner to have
the same freedom, then this is fine. It used to be taken for granted that the
man could go out and get himself a gal here and there and not too much flap
came from this, but if the woman did it -- 'Oh, " again, "that's
terrible and horrible". I can't accept that as being horrible and neither
can my wife accept it as being horrible. As far as we're concerned, it is a
good way to charge yourself up once in a while and get yourself an experience
that you just can't get any other way. Your experiences with someone else
enhance your own sexual experiences with your own partner. There are just some
things you can't do with your own, you have to get them from outside sources.
Most swingers believe:
Swinging is not for all married couples. They do believe that swinging is better than sneaking around corners and lying
to the partner about an outside relationship. Most agree with the statement
"I think if two people agree on sex other than with their partners, then
swinging perhaps is for them". To most swingers sex is a recreation which
also satisfies a bodily hunger. Why do female swingers get involved?
As far as being asked why have you married if you're going to get
into swinging. I have a lot more emotional aspects of life other than just
sex. Sex is just one part of it. I have many years invested in building a
complete and total relationship with my husband. Sex, like I say, is just one
facet of it and it's been exclusive where as all my other relationships with
people have not been exclusive. I'm able to talk to people. I'm able to dance
with people, with all these things then why can't I have sex with them ? It
doesn't have anything to do with the exclusive relationship I have with my
partner, who happens to be my husband. This is my choice and it's the total,
exclusive relationship that I want to keep and want to have and I don't want
to get rid of; yet. I do have needs to have sexual fulfillment that I can't
get from just one type of person. One person can't satisfy all my needs, and I
can't satisfy all of anybody else's needs. As far as I can see, that's
Swingers systematically report that they find it very difficult to go
to what they call "straight" parties where they end up playing the
couples' game, flirtation games, and other kinds of games. Most of them believe
that at swinging parties one does not have to play games, put up the couple
front or flirt, one is able to get down to the basics of life and have sex with
one another it it is mutually desirable.
Reasons for Swinging and finding swing partners?
It is generally felt that you can divide swingers into those who
participate for recreational and those who participate for utopian reasons.
Recreational swingers see swinging as a social activity much like bowling,
playing tennis and cards. Utopian swingers have a general philosophy of communitarians
and wish to share not only sex but all other aspects of life
with their fellow participants.
At this time there are relatively few scientific data that
indicated what long-term effect swinging actually has on marriages. Nevertheless there is
a general belief among swingers that swinging has a positive effect upon a
marriage. They believe that sexual fidelity is harmful and breeds jealousy and a
feeling of ownership between a husband and wife. According to them swinging does
away with jealousy and helps each mate see the other as an individual and not as
a possession. Another reason for participating in swinging is boredom with
marital sex. Swingers feel that it is impossible for one person to satisfy
another sexually over an extended period of time. Swinging is seen as a method
of adding new excitement to the marriage, perhaps even salvaging it. Most
swingers know couples who have tried to salvage a bad marriage by swinging, but
they ague that this generally has not been very successful. Most swingers
believe that swinging alone cannot save a bad marriage. They do believe that it
can strengthen a good marriage.
There may be deeper psychological reasons for swinging. It is
believed that men may need to translate early sexual fantasies into reality and
that women may be fulfilling social-romantic needs. Some believe that because of
the marginality of the new middle class, they seek experiences with others in
order to feel they belong. They participate in swinging to develop social ties
and to satisfy the need for sexual fulfillment that is a result of their
restrictive middle-class backgrounds. Swinging gives them an opportunity to do
both without disrupting their general lifestyle.
All reasons, whether social, psychological, or sociological, are at
the present time only speculation. One could easily conclude that the reasons
for participating in swinging are as varied as swingers themselves.
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Jealousy In Swinging
Generally, swingers do not show jealousy on the surface. Most
swingers argue that this is because by going to parties together and leaving
together, they realize their commitment to each other as a couple. Thus, they do
not feel threatened because the other partner has gone into another room to have
sexual relations with another individual. One such swinger said, "We both
know that each of us have experiences with other people and, yet, we come back
to each other because we want to be together" They feel that this gives you
a feeling of security that you never had before because you feel and know that
the partner is coming back to you even though they have had a sexual
relationship with someone else. They feel that this builds up self confidence and
For a couple to engage in swinging, they must throw off the belief
that having sexual relations outside of marriage is improper, they must break
the shackles of the double standard. That is, the wife will be having sexual
relations with other males much as the male may have had sexual relations
outside the marriage with another partner previously.
In an interview with me, one woman swinger reported:
I always felt perhaps I didn't have a normal response, because I
was never jealous .To me, it was always a compliment when my husband would
have a good relationship with someone. Gee, he's my partner. Its sort of a
reflection of me, and the reason I feel this way is because I remember my
first party where it was kind of late at night and I was sitting by the
fireplace waiting for my husband and he appeared with this attractive woman
and she came up to me and gave me a big hug and kiss and said "I'm so
glad you came tonight. You have such a terrific husband " It made me
feel, not jealous, but warm and good and great. And she's been our friend and
I'm grateful to her because I've never been jealous. Quite the opposite.
That's what it's all about. Sharing a good thing.
Swinging for most women changes their view of the world and sexual
relations. Many argue that it has made a complete turn-around in their life from
the way they viewed the world two or three years before swinging. In attempting
to determine what causes some women to go into swinging, I have already noted
that many are urged by their husbands and others go into swinging to carry out
their fantasies. One such woman I interviewed reported that she finally
acquiesced in going to a swinging party saying that she would not participate
but would be willing to go and observe, have dinner and a drink or two. She
"Well, I had just enough to drink and I saw a man that I liked. I
tried him and I liked him, I'm not kidding you. My whole outlook on life has
changed -- it's been a scream. We have talked more, in fact, I think he wants
to gag me now, and it's just beautiful. I cannot believe our life since I
started participating in swinging. When we first got married he was not
particularly interested in sexual relations, but now he won't leave me alone.
For anyone in trouble, you should try it. He's 33 and I'm 22, and I don't
know, but my sexual appetite is different from his. I mean, I guess I'm sowing
my wild oats or whatever, while he just wants it once a week or sometimes
twice. I was, like, climbing up the wall with sexual frustration -- or putting
it more bluntly, I was not getting enough, and it was driving me up the wall.
Since participating in swinging, as I said, all he wants to do is talk and
have sexual relations with me all the time."
Swingers generally believe:
There is a swinging couple on every
block and from this they argue that swingers are not "a bunch of
freaked-out people". One woman I interviewed reported that her first
evening began when her husband came home and told her they were going to a
swinging party. He had seen an ad in the paper, called them up, and the swing
club had said to come over for an interview.
So then he said , Okay we have an interview, we have to
go right now, get your clothes on". So I thought, wait a minute, we're
going to go. So I put my clothes on. I 'm going to play along with this game
and here we go. We 're just going for an interview, right! Well, the interview
was at 8:00 and the party was at 9:00. So here we were and the next thing I
know there were all these people taking their clothes off, and I thought, my
God, help me. Tom's really having a ball, that's really what he was doing, and
I'm sitting here on the couch having all these mixed emotions. I'm watching
these people, and it's not like any other party that I ever been to, not only
in the fact that they are taking their clothes off, but they seem to be
actually honest and good people, no phoney facade. In fact, I went to the
bathroom and this other lady went with me and she asked me it I was having
fun, I said, "Not really." She said, "Well, why aren't you
balling? Haven't you seen anything you want?" I said. "No, not
really". "Well," she said, "listen, you're missing the
best thing in my husband, try him". Well I had just enough to drink and I
tried him and I liked him.
Sexual variety, sexual fulfillment, and the potential of carrying out
of one's fantasies are among the advantages of swinging. Sexual excitation
increases for both partners as a result of the new types of sexual experiences
and there are discussions of actual sexual experiences. Women receive a great
deal of positive reinforcement, they may begin seeing themselves as more
desirable. "Women informally report that they have been able to shed
sexual inhibitions that they were raised with". According to many swingers,
you have more of a feeling of your own "personhood", you think of
yourself as a person and not a thing. As I read in an interview.
You realize, hey, here I am -- I don't have to do all this garbage,
and say all those horrible things that I never used to be able to say, and if
people don't like me for what I am, tough -- that's their problem, not mine
and I think it really does build you up as a person.
Some swingers argue that swinging creates stronger bonds between
couples. Married couples find that swinging increases their ability to
communicate with each other. Many couples believe that if a married couple can
discuss swinging together, they can discuss anything. Generally, swingers
believe they experience individual growth and develop an ability to communicate
better with other people.
Swingers believe that swinging has a positive effect on
their marriage. About 85 percent of both husbands and wives feel that swinging
is not a threat to marriage or love between spouses. None of them reported that
their marriage became worse since they began swinging, and the majority feel
their marriages have improved. Husbands in particular consistently reported a
high level of marital happiness and adjustment. Apparently, swinging has had no
negative effect on the sexual lives of the couples; in fact, swinging couples
have sexual intercourse more frequently than the general population. More than
half of the swinging couples have sex together more than four times a week as
compared with only 16 percent of the general population. Many swingers reported
that rather than dampening their ardour for each other, swinging often caused an
arousal of sexual interest for each other. Many of them often engaged in sex
together immediately after resuming home from a swinging party.
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